Home » Emily Post-Apocalypse: How to Politely Slay Monsters and Other Advice for the Discerning Survivor by Bret Kenyon
Emily Post-Apocalypse: How to Politely Slay Monsters and Other Advice for the Discerning Survivor Bret Kenyon

Emily Post-Apocalypse: How to Politely Slay Monsters and Other Advice for the Discerning Survivor

Bret Kenyon

Kindle Edition
83 pages
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 About the Book 

One would hope that with the end of the world a mere three generations away, we could at least hope for a world without societal rules, customs, manners, and silly things such as worrying about which fork to use for salads. Unfortunately, Ive learned that once the bombs drop and the radiation clears, manners are all we have left. This book is a glimpse into that future, and should never be read by anyone.Writing this book was unlike any other project that I have worked on, and I owe the unusual experience entirely to my interview with Emily. Prior to this book, I’d interviewed all manner of expert under all manner of circumstances and was fairly certain I had the basics covered. But this was the first time I’d be asked to interview a cultural expert who was dead.My editors insisted the interview was a glorious idea, and my objection that my source was no longer breathing and thus unable to speak was quickly brushed aside. I was put in touch with a Mr. O. Cooper, a local medium and tarot card reader, whom I was told was more than able to get me the information I needed.After several fruitless evenings spent trying to contact the late Emily, Mr. Cooper finally hit upon the correct combination of chants and incense, and much to my surprise, I found myself face to face with the transparent, yet sharply intelligence, apparition of Miss Emily. Naturally, the first thing she did was to inform us how rudely our seance had been conducted and to instruct us in the proper way to contact a departed spirit.It wasn’t until this point that Mr. Cooper stopped shaking long enough to start the tape recorder, and as Miss Emily never repeats herself, those first few gems of cultural information are forever lost to mankind.My editors had instructed me to ask Miss Emily for insight on how manners would evolve in the future. I had expected a lecture on how technology was no replacement for social awareness, and how opening the door of a flying car for a woman is no longer polite but an affront to her feminine independence.And so I was shocked to learn that a mere three generations from my own, the world would be destroyed through the errors of humanity, and that the remaining two percent of the human race would spend their days struggling against all manner of apocalyptic monsters. Nonetheless, societal rules would still be in place, and Emily was more than happy to share them with me.I was understandably shaken by the news of humanity’s impending downfall, but Mr. Cooper was quick to remind me that neither of us would live long enough to experience the apocalypse, and we had no way of knowing whether we would even like our great-grandchildren. His words, though based on a sick logic, were oddly comforting, and I was able to complete the interview.I left the meeting with an entirely different book than the one I’d set out to write. In the interest of journalistic integrity, I’ve delivered the unedited manuscript to my editors, who—if they possess a single shred of human compassion—will destroy these pages and never speak of them again.Sincerely,Your Author